And woke up sobbing.
He was in a separate paddock, looking a bit unkempt. He wasn't allowed to come out of the paddock and I wasn't allowed to go in. Somebody else went in to try to catch him but he wouldn't let her near and chased after her; I went to help her get out because I thought he was going to trample her and by the time I got there she had managed to escape. I stood at the gate and he came over and showed me a wound in his side which he wouldn't let me touch, but we cuddled and kissed for a long time, until my own tears woke me up.
I rarely dream about him and when I do it isn't a very nice dream. Same with Mum. I dreamed about her the night before (I'm never going to sleep ever again, it's horrid when I do) and it wasn't a nice one either.
I don't know what I'm going to do horse-wise. We had a disappointing day on Saturday, VERY average indeed, but on Sunday we had a super clinic with Debbie Jones and we were absolutely crackling with impulsion. I made the mistake of giving us the day off on Monday because we were both tired but in hindsight I should have ridden even if only for a few minutes. Since then Wilson has remained more forward than usual but things are not going well: I feel untidy and unco-ordinated (in my body I mean; matchy-matchy still obtains even for schooling sessions). The worst thing, which is making me fret, is that yesterday when I went to catch him, he walked away from me. Is he trying to tell me something important, or is he just a lazy git who'd prefer not to have to do any work?
I was supposed to be having a lesson with SBN today but as far as I can recall - and I'm sure I would recall - we haven't fixed a time so I don't know what I'm doing. If we aren't having a lesson we may go for a hack and clear our minds a bit.
I'm wondering if I've gone as far as I can go in terms of riding. It isn't very far yet it's further than I ever thought I would. Perhaps I should just be satisfied?
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Hmm. Well. I'm not sure whether those dreams are part of the grieving/healing process or not. Suppose they must be. I remember, very vividly, having unsettling dreams about my dad afterwards - and also Giles. ...Still, it's nice that you got to cuddle Joe. Don't you think?
ReplyDeleteWell done with your clinic Sunday. If there is grass out there, I expect Wilson decided he would rather stay there and eat it rather than do any work. Ed does that sometimes - "Mummy? Grass? Mumm...ohhhh grass." However, he comes to the gate pretty sharpish at the moment as the field is bare, licking his lips in anticipation as soon as he sees me (leaving me in no doubt that his joyful whinnying amounts only to cupboard love).
We reach plateaus in terms of learning - sometimes we do have to take a half-step backwards before leaping forward. ;)