No doubt about it

That horse loves me.

Phew.

It's a big relief because I love him so much.

Could this be a turning point?

We worked hard on our MT today, doing what we do with Debbie Jones only more of it - to wit: staying on a circle but pushing the trot on. It doesn't sound like much, does it! Today I kept insisting on More and eventually (it took a while!) Wilson's neck rounded and he opened his shoulders. It felt enormous although it probably isn't really, but I'm hoping that he has now realised that he can trot More without either running or breaking into canter. We had a couple of goes up the long side and it wasn't as good but it was better than it has been, and I think it was a lot better across the diagonal. Cue LOTS of pattings and shriekings of "Good boy! Clever, clever boy!" - I do hope nobody was there to hear!

Our left rein is much weaker and it didn't quite happen but if we can at least get it on one rein I know it's just a matter of time before we can do it on the other.

I hope he practises by himself because we could really do with cracking this.

And then we'll go out ...

On track, but tired.

I've put on a fair bit of weight in the past few months, especially in the past week owing to a plentiful supply of olives, cheese, beer and wine, so I came home with the express intention of doing something about it. It's all gone on my belly which flobbles quite unpleasantly.

So on Monday, in addition to riding my horsey and reducing my food intake, I did an hour on the treadmill.

Yesterday, in addition to riding said horsey and keeping the food intake to the minimum, I did 20 minutes on the rowing machine and 40 on the treadmill.

I have lost 2 kg. Only another 5 to go! At this rate it won't take too long, I'm eating less and exercising LOTS more.

Today I feel very tired so although I'm going to cement the past two days' efforts by going to the gym, I'm not riding. Wilson won't mind.

Holiday's over

Hehehehe!!

It was ok. The good bits (weather, villa, pool) were as good as I'd hoped; the bad bits (no possibility of eating out, neighbours with small children, total absence of shop of any ilk whatsoever, NO BLOODY INTERNET) were as bad as I'd feared.

Pisa is lovely, dainty and elegant and civilized and the people were charming.

(Nadia is playing T Rex atm and it's quite funny because she's singing along and knows all the words! How cool is that for a 15 year old?)

Anyway. Wilson was quite prepared for a great big bay sulk but I wrong-footed him on Sunday by NOT RIDING AND BRINGING HIM IN FOR A FEED INSTEAD. Mwuahahaha!

As a result he was gorgeous on Monday and better still today.

I'm desperate for a lesson though.

Telegram Sam, you're my main man ...

For the record.

I thought I'd better put this in writing lest I forget.

Last night I'd been chatting to Jenny on FB and said that although I love Wilson, he doesn't seem to love me. I was thinking of giving the whole thing up as a bad job and simply not having a horse.

Well, he must have been eavesdropping because today he was exceptionally affectionate (for him). I heard him say that he does love me, and he proved it by being fabulous to ride and trying very hard to do MT. I often laugh when I ride him, because it's so much fun!

And the funniest part was when I was bringing him his Top Spec; I was around the corner so he couldn't see me but knew what I was doing, and I asked him "So how much did you say you love me, then?" - and he actually whinnied in reply, just before I came into his line of vision. Obviously he loves me even more when I'm carrying a bucket, lol!

Maybe, if Joe has now gone, he'll be able to get a bit closer to me?

I am so full of it!

I think I know myself and then I realise I am simply delusional.

I HOWLED for Joe yesterday. Raw pain.

On the plus side, every time I think of Wilson I smile.

Further musings

I'm pretty sure Joe has gone now. That's an odd thing to say because I didn't ever feel that he was here: that was one of the hardest things, but now there is just Nothing.

I had a super ride on Wilson this morning. He puts a smile on my face every single time, bless him. Yet it's just ... oh I don't know; different. If he ever became unrideable I don't know what I'd do. I know exactly what I would have done if that had happened to Joe - I'd have simply kept him and loved him.

K and I talked a lot about competing and being competitive the other day. Joe and I liked to compete and it did matter to an extent, but there was so much in our relationship besides that. I can't say the same for Wilson and me. I know, it's only been a year.

It's a bit like the cats. I've had three Special cats in my life: Squindi, Lemmy and Little Shit. All my cats are special and I adore them but at the moment there isn't one who's Special with a capital S.

I feel a bit lonely, but not at all unhappy.

Coming to terms?

I wonder if the other night's weird dream was about Joe rather than Glyn.

Since I had it I haven't thought about him anything like as much, even though I've been talking about him to K and Rachael and showed Rachael videos of him. Previously he'd been in my thoughts almost constantly, and when he wasn't actually in them he was next in line. I don't think I've cried for him since then either, when hitherto I had shed at least a few tears every day. Bollocks, I'm crying now, but maybe it's different.

In the dream I was remarrying very soon after Glyn, and while the circumstances prevented it from being a happy occasion it did at least feel right, although I was worried about what other people might think.

Wilson came into my life immediately after I lost Joe. It felt right, inasmuch as anything could possibly feel right at the time. I was supported enormously by all my friends who helped me to find reasons to like Wilson when I struggled, and were delighted for me when I realised how lovely he is.

Wilson does things for me that Joe never could. That's his gift. Joe did things for me that Wilson never will, and that's his. I love them both for what they are.

I don't believe in an afterlife any more - at least, not one that has any connection with this life - but maybe I'm wrong and perhaps Joe is ready to bow out now, or perhaps it's simply that I'm ready to let him go.

And bollocks, I'm still crying, aren't I contrary?!

I am SO in love with this guy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlS1D6c-VXw

I could listen to that all day and all night; that's my favourite repertoire and his is easily the best voice of its type that I've ever heard.

In other news, we had another clinic with Debbie last night and she's pleased with our canter. Wils was a real tit though, spooking at everything. I tried to ride him through it but the bottom line is that he simply isn't a brave horse. I reckon that's the main reason we can't get MT: he isn't daring enough to let go.

Not that it matters :sulk: as I'm away from Monday to Thursday next week, probably too busy on Friday to ride, and away for a week from the following Sunday. Might as well not bloody bother.

I shall listen to Yuriy instead :wub:

Very weird dream

I dreamed that Glyn had died and I was getting married again.

It was a no-fuss, no-frills affair; I don't think I had a special dress and if my SIL hadn't brought a cake (decorated with Smarties!) there wouldn't have been one. I think only my family were going to be there. I didn't want anybody to know, not because I was ashamed in any way but simply because it was MY business and nobody else's, but literally at the 11th hour (I was getting married at 12.00) I texted Sandra and Jenny because I thought that they might feel hurt if they hadn't known about it. Only the texts didn't send, and then I realised, in some panic, that I wanted them to reassure me that it was all right, I wasn't being disloyal to Glyn and that they would support me.

Woke up crying again! Soon stopped when I saw Glyn was right there next to me, thank God.

SO proud!

Rachael came today and we had a fantastic time. We've only seen each other three times in the last 20 years I think but we just picked up where we'd left off! Obviously we never stopped talking, but that was always the case even when we saw each other all day, every day.

Wilson was in a super mood today and I worked him properly. He was so much fun. We ran through Saturday's test with Rachael calling it, and then she got on. She's much taller than I am and my stirrups weren't long enough for her great dangly gangly legs so she spent much of the time sans stirrups and I was jolly impressed at her core strength and ability to sit, and quite staggered at the way she never once used the rein for balance ... or indeed for anything. She told me later that she usually rides with a single lead rope rather than with a rein, which explains much!

And she was very complimentary about mah boy. (Who was indeed very good, if I didn't mention that earlier.) She said that when she'd seen me riding him she thought "Gosh, she's good" - but that when she rode him she realised that it wasn't me who was good, it was Wilson, roflmao!

He's such a babe.

After a rather delicious luncheon :fat: we came home and I inflicted videos of Rocky, Mysti and Joe on her. I wish so much that she had met Joe. It was always one of those things that you'll get round to doing "one day" but in this instance never happened. She'd have loved him.

Anyway it was a beautiful day. Thank you for coming over, Rachael my dear, and you don't live THAT far away, and besides visiting you is a good excuse to drop by RideAway!

Lovely day and a bit eek!

My friend K from the riding club came over today. She is one of those really lovely people who have no idea how nice they are and are worry that they are imposing on you and that you're just being kind. Bizarre really, given that it makes me feel special to have attention from her.

She rode Wilson beautifully. She has a cracking little mare whom she adores but who can be a bit quirky (find me the mare that can't) and she enjoyed Wilson who is such an easy-going chap. She found him quite stiff on the left rein but managed to get him to soften, and she did a good job of keeping him straight, which is not the easiest thing in the world, believe me, when the horse has the unshakeable belief that he is a banana. She was even able to get him to lengthen his trot a little, which as you all know by now is the bane of my life. His MW was really good (she said it was "expressive" :proud: ) and once he was working properly - I had only half warmed him up - he gave her a super WT. If he looks like that when I ride him I'll be delighted.

All the riding clubs close down over August so I wasn't expecting to find anywhere to compete, but K's going out on Saturday and gave me the details so I'll get my entry in tomorrow. Hehehe.

The eek! is that we're doing N26 which has a halt and a rein-back, neither of which we've ever done in a test. Hehehe!

I'm hoping for another lovely day tomorrow as Rachael, my best fiend from our university days, is coming to visit and is also going to ride Wilson. Haven't seen her for - ooh, ages, and she has never been to mine before.

K brought me the most delicious chocolate cake so if there's any left, Rachael and I will no doubt scoff it. IF there's any left.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXj1vIIOJF4&videos=rqPyxuzD6eI&playnext=3&playnext_from=TL

Mozart's Clarinet Quintent in A major K 581 is without doubt one of the saddest pieces of music I know.

Achingly beautiful, plangently simple, I don't know the circumstances of its composition but it resounds with loss, and at the same time there's an element of appearing to "get on with things" and hide the devastation from the world, but to me there's a forced cheerfulness, a hollowness, about the superficially allegretto parts; all the while the clarinet is weeping.

Love it.

On listening to it for the 36 time in a row, I now wonder if the piece is irrepressibly optimistic. Immense sadness, certainly, but an effervescence that cannot be stifled.

Hmmm!! All things to all people, clearly!

Mozart and the clarinet and/or voice - sheer perfection.